Three Keys to Great Friendships
Introduction
A leading UK retail chain commissioned a survey by a team of psychologists into their key customer demographic: Millennials (those born between 1981 and the early 2000s, and also known as Generation Y). They interviewed 800 people. The results were so startling that they did not believe them. They interviewed another 800 and got the same results.
The results portrayed an alarming picture of an increasingly lonely and lost generation. More people live alone than at any other point in our recorded social history. On average, Millennials spend six-and-a-half hours a day on social media. Many who were interviewed considered work to be something they fitted in between social media and lunch! They found people had a very large number of ‘friends’ but an increasing sense of loneliness.
A more recent study revealed 73% of Generation Z feel alone, now making them the loneliest generation. It's been said that we’ve become a culture more focused on strengthening our Wi-Fi connections than strengthening our personal connections.
There is nothing wrong with social media, but it is no substitute for real, face-to-face friendships. We were created for friendship with God (Genesis 3:8) and with one another (2:18).
Marriage is part of the solution to aloneness. Friendship, vital also in marriage, is a crucial part of the solution too. Jesus set an example of close friendship with men and women. He demonstrated that marriage is not the only solution to aloneness. In one respect, friendship is even more important than marriage. Marriage is for this life only; friendship is eternal. ‘Friendship’, as C.S. Lewis writes, is the ‘crown of life and school of virtue’. Friendship multiplies joy and divides sorrow.
The Bible is very realistic. We see examples of relationships at their very best, but we also see examples of their frailty and failure. Through these examples and the teaching of the Bible we see three keys.
Psalm 77:11-20
11 I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.’
20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
Commentary
Value partnerships
Mother Teresa said, ‘What I can do, you cannot. What you can do, I cannot. But together we can do something beautiful for God.’
We saw yesterday how the psalmist, in his distress, cried out to God. In the second half of the psalm, he recalls some of the amazing and mighty ways in which God has acted in the past (vv.11–12).
In particular, he looks back to God’s great deliverance of his people in the Exodus. He prays, ‘You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples’ (v.14). He meditates on the parting of the Red Sea (vv.16–19) and concludes, ‘You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron’ (v.20).
‘Moses and Aaron’ were the human partnership involved in this great work of God. It is one of the greatest success stories in the history of the people of God.
It came about because they were involved in a cause greater than themselves. They were looking outward in the same direction. Despite being brothers, they had very different skills and roles. While Moses was the leader, Aaron was responsible for the communications (Exodus 7:1–2) and for leading the people in worship (28:1).
We need good partnerships today. There are good reasons why Jesus sent his disciples out two by two. Ministry can be very lonely. Going out in pairs can make all the difference. This is how some of the greatest friendships are formed.
Prayer
Acts 15:22-40
22 Then the apostles and elders, with the whole church, decided to choose some of their own men and send them to Antioch with Paul and Barnabas. They chose Judas (called Barsabbas) and Silas, men who were leaders among the believers.
36 Some time later Paul said to Barnabas, ‘Let us go back and visit the believers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing.’ 37 Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, 38 but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work.
39 They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, 40 but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the believers to the grace of the Lord.
Commentary
Guard friendships
From the very beginning of the Christian church we see examples of friends working together in partnership. Paul and Barnabas were partners in the gospel (v.22). They were sent out together to take the message of the council of Jerusalem to the Gentiles (v.23).
They are described as ‘our dear friends Barnabas and Paul – men who have risked their lives for the name of our Lord Jesus Christ’ (v.26).
They were accompanied by another partnership – two other leaders, Judas (called Barsabbas) and Silas (v.22). Judas and Silas were prophets who ‘said much to encourage and strengthen the believers’ (v.32). Again, it is a good thing for prophets not to operate in isolation, but to work together in partnership with others.
All this is good. But as we read on, we see that division, even in the early church, was not only over doctrine (v.2), but also over personal relationships (v.39). As Sandy Millar often says, ‘The calling is divine; but the relationships are human!’ Paul and Barnabas fell out (vv.36–38). They had a ‘sharp disagreement’ and as a result they ‘parted company’ (v.39). They ended up going their separate ways.
In the providence of God, it all worked out well in the end. Barnabas found a new partner in Mark, who was his cousin. (See Colossians 4:10.) Paul found a new partner in Silas and ‘went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches’ (Acts 15:41). It may be that Paul and Barnabas were later reconciled (see 1 Corinthians 9:6).
The reality is that sometimes even Christian partnerships struggle and fail. God can bring hope into these situations: it is not the end of the world if Christians fall out and go their separate ways. This passage shows that their disagreement did not lead to the removal of God’s blessing from them.
However, as John Stott points out, ‘this example of God’s providence should not be used as an excuse for Christian quarrelling’. We should always do our best to resolve our differences and avoid such painful parting of company.
Guard your friendships. When there is a fallout, always seek reconciliation and remember that, as Martin Luther King said, ‘Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude.’
Prayer
1 Kings 11:34-39
34 ‘“But I will not take the whole kingdom out of Solomon’s hand; I have made him ruler all the days of his life for the sake of David my servant, whom I chose and who obeyed my commands and decrees. 35 I will take the kingdom from his son’s hands and give you ten tribes. 36 I will give one tribe to his son so that David my servant may always have a lamp before me in Jerusalem, the city where I chose to put my Name. 37 However, as for you, I will take you, and you will rule over all that your heart desires; you will be king over Israel. 38 If you do whatever I command you and walk in obedience to me and do what is right in my eyes by obeying my decrees and commands, as David my servant did, I will be with you. I will build you a dynasty as enduring as the one I built for David and will give Israel to you. 39 I will humble David’s descendants because of this, but not for ever.”’
Commentary
Prioritise loyalty
In this passage, we see human relationships at their worst. Solomon began to reap what he had sown. He had sown disloyalty to God and now he began to reap disloyalty all over the place. The first adversary was Hadad (11:14). The second was Rezon (v.23), ‘the leader of a band of rebels’ (v.24).
Next, Jeroboam rebelled against the king (v.26). He was one of Solomon’s officials, ‘a man of standing’, whom Solomon had put ‘in charge of the whole labour force of the house of Joseph’ (v.28). Solomon ends his life surrounded by adversaries and trying to kill Jeroboam (v.40).
Rehoboam, Solomon’s son, inherited a mess. He did not deal wisely with his opponents. He failed to listen. He ‘turned a deaf ear to the people’ (12:15, MSG). They realised that he ‘hadn’t listened to a word they’d said’ (v.16, MSG).
He rejected the advice that the elders gave him. As a result, most of Israel rallied around Jeroboam. ‘Only the tribe of Judah remained loyal to the house of David’ (v.20). Yet again, war broke out (v.21). The result is a divided kingdom – but even that is not the end of the problems. God promised Jeroboam amazing blessings: ‘if you walk in obedience to me’ (v.38). Tragically (as we will see over the next few days) Jeroboam did not – and the results were disastrous.
This episode in the history of the people of God is a story of disloyalty to God, disloyalty to the king, rebellion and infighting. It is not how things are meant to be. You are called to love, unity and loyalty. Your loyalty should be a reflection of God’s loyalty to you.
If you sow disloyalty, you will reap disloyalty. If you sow loyalty, you will reap loyalty. You show loyalty by your actions and your words. Be loyal to those who are not present. In doing so, you will build the trust of those who are present.
However disloyal we are, God remains faithful to his promises. He remembers his covenant with David (see 2 Samuel 7), and does not completely reject the people (1 Kings 11:32,34,36). Although he disciplines us – ‘I will humble David’s descendants because of this, but not for ever’ (v.39) – his discipline is temporary, his loyalty is eternal. ‘God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness’ (Hebrews 12:10).
God’s commitment and loyalty to you is such that nothing will be able to separate you ‘from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord’ (Romans 8:39).
This is not a reason to be complacent, but it is a motive to delight again at God’s grace, and to give yourself to wholehearted worship. You can choose again to respond to God’s call on your life – ‘walk in my ways and do what is right in my eyes’ (1 Kings 11:38).
Prayer
Pippa adds
Acts 15:37-39
It is very nice when people stand up for you. Barnabas stood up for Mark and gave him a second chance. Is there someone for whom you could put in a good word today?
Verse of the Day
Psalm 77:14
‘You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples’.
Thought for the Day
Friendship multiplies joy and divides sorrow.
Action for the Day
Do you need to forgive a friend?
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References
C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves (William Collins, 2012).
John Stott, The Message of Acts (IVP, 1991).
Unless otherwise stated, Scripture quotations taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version Anglicised, Copyright © 1979, 1984, 2011 Biblica, formerly International Bible Society. Used by permission of Hodder & Stoughton Publishers, an Hachette UK company. All rights reserved. ‘NIV’ is a registered trademark of Biblica. UK trademark number 1448790.
Scripture marked (MSG) taken from The Message. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.